A few months ago my dear husband and I decided to finally venture out of our home and try to find a church that would work for our family. A church that would make us feel like family and draw us closer to God. In our heads we had it set that NO church would compare to back home. And no church ever will. There will never be another pastor like dad. There will be no other family like the Feagins to take us in, influence us and guide us the way that they did while we are teenagers and young adults. But still we had to find a new church home. After asking around, checking websites we decided to follow the advice of our friends the Ginn's and join them at New Creation Church. I immediately fell in love. It was small, and filled with love. Not just God's love but love for each other. Hubs on the other hand was a little skeptical. He wasn't into the contemporary music (I mean come one he is a good 'ole southern boy), but he loved the messaged and really enjoyed listening to the pastor preach. I told him, I was open to trying a new church, but I guess something called onto him and he said he wanted to give it another shot. It took him a few weeks to get into the music, and experiencing a new way of worship but he has come to love it. I love watching him hold our baby girl and listen to him sing along and even clap a bit. It makes my heart melt every week. I am proud of my relationship with God, and my husband and now I am so glad we have this to share together. Well one week ran into another and here we sit a few months later, and we are at church every Sunday that we can be.
A few weeks ago our pastor started a series called "Marks of a Servant". So far he has covered 3 topics that have really spoken to me. The first one that really called my attention was about Transparency. Being a transparent person as in, no faking it. Just be who you are. Honestly this is something I have always struggled with. I am awkward, and I have lots of chaos in my life. Sometimes people around me become offended when I shut them out. I don't do it to intentionally hurt them, I do it to protect myself and deal with issues I have going on. But many times I feel like I have to "fake it" and put on the smile and keep going so I don't disappoint others. I know in reality I can't make everyone happy, but there is this big unrealistic side of me that continues to want to. I know I need to be transparent. I need to be the same person with everyone. I hope with prayer and change of attitude I can be that person.
The next 2 parts that really spoke to me actually go together. Forgiveness and forgetting. I feel like I am always willing for forgive is asked to do so. But our pastor went deeper with this message. He went into letting those who have offended you know they have done so, then also forgiving them. I don't like conflict. I don't like making people feel like they are on the defensive. I would rather just deal with it and let it go in my own time. But that usually takes forever, it eats at me, it really drives me mad at times. If you ask my husband he would say I have no issue doing this. I am quick to let him know when he offends me. I guess because in the end I know he will still love me. With friends though, I am not so sure they will stick around. I guess this goes back to being transparent. I need to suck it up, and let them know when they have offended me, I just need to be me. Own my feelings, so I can move past the little things and life and enjoy the bigger things.
The next part is the hard part. Forgetting. Ask my husband, I never forget anything. I want to forget. I want to move past the things that happened to me. I want to let go of the hurt from people around me. I know it will take a lot of prayer. I just have to remind myself that I and everyone is just a work in progress. We all have faults, no one is perfect.
I can only hope that moving forward I will have friends by my side that will love me for who I am, and not expect me to be what I'm not.
<3
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